really?

who are you?





© It's All Wanderlust 2010

I've finally grown up. At 46. At least it didn't take me until 47.

It's All Wanderlust 2010

It's All Good

Adversity is a funny thing. It can knock you to your knees leaving you as void as a gutted fish. It can suck you into a tunnel so deep and dark, return is near impossible.

That is how I've been living for about six years; in the vise-like grip of adversity. But regrettably,  it really wasn't the weight of adversity my bones were crunching under. It was my own.

"It's not what happens to you; it's how you respond," stated my old high school best friend at a Margarita-filled get together. Fueled by the tequila and angst, I spewed  embittered tales of my recent problems (although not really recent... problems. They were there all along .I just chose not to address them).

I heard her words above the din of restaurant patrons and the blaring Latin instrumentals. I heard her. But it didn't seem. . . possible. It seemed more like some great theory to test. Someday.

This is my some day. 

I have worked hard facing my fears and knocking down obstacles for a few months now. The self-imposed prison gates have been swung open. Everything is lighter, brighter, even though my circumstances have changed very little. The circumstances don't matter. My choices matter. My reactions matter. The way I approach a problem matters.

In the dim of January twilight, I left the restaurant feeling a little tipsy and a little less stressed, but still committed to the notion that my life sucked. I sucked. Under the glare of July sun, I revel in the results of my hard work.

Nothings changed, yet everything has.

© It's All Wanderlust 2010

Who Are You? Who Am I?

In a nasty push-me pull-me with my ex-husband as of late, I pondered: what did I ever see in him? What made me think that we polar opposites with opposite morals and lifestyles could ever be united?

I thought I loved him; I thought he loved me. The reality is that neither of us could ever begin to truly love the other for we had no self-love, for one. Second, we had no respect for each other nor for ourselves. We were like two broken pieces of glass looking to create a vase. We shuttered our eyes from the missing pieces and failed to admit that the faulty lines we glued together was bound to shatter the minute normal use was exerted.

I looked over at him. We sat in the mediator's office, maybe three feet separating us. We've had little contact in over nine years (even though we created a beautiful boy) and this was the closest we've been in proximity since then. I stole glances at him from the side, but he retained his steadfast course of looking straight ahead.

At some point, I turned my whole body toward him and addressed him directly. He followed suit. We locked eyes. And although you might be expecting me to say, I saw a glimpse of the boy I fell in love with or something along those lines, I didn't. But I didn't feel an urge to throttle him either. I experienced a strange neutrality.

I felt no hatred, no anger for I felt as connected to him as greeting a used-to-be person once in my life. Like someone you met at a conference. Once. I almost said, "hey, how you doing?" as if we had no real history.

Something passed his eyes, too. I saw it. But I can't quite place it. It differed from the usual filled-with-wrath looks he shoots my way. But I saw it. It happened. Maybe for a second he put down the poison-filled arrows and took a long look at his enemy and realized. . . he was staring at a stranger.

For as much as we were involved, we evolved into strangers.

© It's All Wanderlust 2010

Bad Viruses = Good Business?

Panicking amid the recent brewhaha of a particularly aggressive malware virus disabling a computer user's ability to open/access any programs or documents, I loomed with furrowed brow over my laptop. The black screen with an annoying flashing underscore taunted me.

Many told me they had been bitten by the bug. It did not send the user's documents/files into oblivion; rather,the painful part came with the $300 bill needed to access and fix the issue.

My son asked, who started these viruses and what did these people get from it. The consensus was just some mean people wanting to screw with people.

Really? What with Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson reigning as the new opiate of the people, I think not. Rather, let's look at who benefits from these malevolent initiatives. Best Buy? Office Max? Really, any outlet that services computers would benefit highly from a nasty virus; especially during this economy.

Hmmmmmm.......

© It's All Wanderlust 2010